It's that time of the year for Oscars, Golden Globes, Emmys, American Music Awards, Grammys, Country Music, Screen Actors Guild, Directors Guild, MTV, Peabody, Soap Opera, Tonys, Writers Guild, TV Guide, People's Choice -- and those are just show business's annual backslapping events. We even have the Darwin Award for doing the most stupid things. We should give awards that really matter using today's standards: fake ones. Like these --

The Not-a-Chance Award -- to Michael Jackson for being the only male in the world not claiming to be the father of Anna Nichol Smith's baby.

The Hannibal Lecter -- to Congress for dis-membering former representative Mark Foley.

The Joan Rivers -- to Katie Couric whose face is getting so tight, her eyes have begun to slant.

The Rockefeller -- to Tom Cruise for buying his own studio because his old studio wouldn't give him a raise.

The Pipe Cleaner Award -- to Paris Hilton's legs.

The Picasso -- to Hillary Clinton for painting out the parts of her life that don't suit her in today's political climate.

The There's a Ferret on Your Head Award -- to the hair of 60 Minutes' Leslie Stahl.

The Dracula -- to Barack Obama for wearing shirts with loose collars that expose his slender neck so appealingly, you want to suck on it.

The W.C. Fields -- to Lindsay Lohan's special celeb in-house privileges which evacuated Wonderland Rehab of "ordinary" resident drunks.

The Jennifer Wilbanks -- to runaway brides who disengage from their fiances, and then sue them.

The Ashton Kutcher -- to younger men with older women who don't complain when the guy admits he never heard of the Beatles.

The Rodney Dangerfield -- to George W. Bush for getting no respect.

The Titanic Award -- To Mel Gibson's career

The Abu Ghraib -- to Jack Bauer for torturing terrorists so creatively that they formed a 24 Fan Club

The Ouchie -- to Harry Wittington, the guy Dick Cheney mistook for a quail and shot last February, for acting as though it didn't hurt.

The Plausible Deniability Award -- To John Kerry for claiming his vote in favor of the invasion of Iraq was as well directed as Vice President Cheney's bullet.

The Sigmund Freud -- to Kramer, who needs psychiatric help even more than Michael Jackson.

The Courtney Love -- jointly awarded to herself and Paula Abdul for following in each other's footsteps.

The Mike Tyson -- to Ryan O'Neal for the smackdown of his own son.

The Taxpayer Award -- to retired congressional reps who will continue to receive as much as 80 per cent of their salaries plus health and life insurance, also taxpayer subsidized, and that includes members of Congress convicted of a felony.

The Seabiscuit Award -- to Rocky Balboa for finally crossing the finish line.

The Jiffyhab -- to Britney Spears for her drive-thru pass at sobriety. Britney's speed feat beats out Lindsay Lohan's because Britney removed Kevin Federline first and all her hair second.

The Oddest Celeb Award -- to Barbara Walters for actually asking a Hamas suicide bomber in prison, "So you're saying all you want to do is kill Jews? Haven't you wanted to get married?" and topped that with her next question, "If you had succeeded in your suicide mission and been killed, where would you be today?"